My life

Life really kinda tired.. Is really hard to become mature. Once u starting to become a adult.. A lot of responsibily and stress that keep wondering around u. Once u settle a problem another problem will starting to hitting u again n again. Sometimes i reli wanted to give up.. I dono how long can i stand it.. I'm onli 19.. Tere's still long way for me to continue my life and nw is oni d starting point.. But somehow i reli feel tired and out of energy. I owes care bout people, i don wan to make my parents to worry me all the time... I think i'm big enuf to settle my thing and let them feel proud n stop worrying of me.. I really wan to go back to them, i miss my family so much. Somehow i think i couldn't make it so soon... All because my stupidness and damn stupid mistake that i have made.. If i din do it i damn sure i can go back to see them.. Nw i having some sickness that no one knw how it occur.. I visit doc n they oni ask me to wait for few week n it will recover.. I reli hope wat they say is true.. Because of this fucking sick i reli feel hard to work.. To talk especially......

My gf... I really really love her.. But somehow the way that we love each other is totally different.. I really hope that she can place me in her first place.. She did promise so but she told me yesterday that she can promise it dis moment but the other moment she will break promise.. I dono y she can treat her bf such a way that hurt her bf.. She did admit it but if u love someone so deep cant u try to change it.. The matter fact is not change.. She will automatically treat me as wat other couple do.. Maybe her fren surround her doing the same thing so she did so.. But i reli hope she can change.. I do everything is for her.. She is my strength and my everything.. I can do anything she ask.. Is it my fault to love someone tat way? But for me i think is the normal thing n right thing to do so.. We should be happy to couple but y oni i d one wo did such thing and she can do it the other way round? I'm reli reli tired.. But i reli cant lose her.. Mayb from the first day we couple my heart edi stick to her..

2 weeks more she coming.. I hope i can give her fun n happy time.. I hope i reli can.. But for my situation i think is reli hard for me to do so... I LOVE HERRR... All i nid is love n nice treatment from her... If i can get tat i have strength to do anything.. PLEASE....

That fucking Fat Ass Lam really create fucking lot trouble.. Damn Ass Hole.. Mother Fucker.. oOo... Jibai him.... Puik...

Simple Life

I really wan to have simple life. But what is simple life means??? I show u what i find out in website... Is this really call simple life???

Stress free
Initiative
Make Your Own
Play
Learn
Efficient

Live Life To Its Fullest
Invent
Vigor
Innovate
Nothing complicated
Gardening

So what do u think???

Worst Moment in My Life...

Now i'm really having worst moment ever.. Firstly, i broke up with my gf... After 2 and half year realtionship.. It just stop suddenly... And now i still don have the answer from her... Second, i wan to say sorry to my mom and my dad... I'm really bad bad bad and useless son for them... Actually i had use all their money to gamble... And lose all of them... Now i'm having finance problem that causing me a lot of damn trouble.. I will moving out next month so that i no need to pay so much... But is hardly for me to find a cheap room and nice housemate... I'm kinda affraid actually.. Then my homestay uncle... He always say ok when he happy.. But when he bad mood he will ask me to pay the homestay money directly... He told me b4 that i can pay 1000 per month until i finish the payment... But yesterday he told me to move out if can.... And he planning to tell my mother that i go gambling.. I damn sad and regret now.. I trying to fix everything now.. From now on.... I will study hard in my study and not to disappointed my parent... I will try work as hard as i can so that i can pay all my homestay money... I really regret go gambling all the time.. Is my fault... And i regret have so bad moment with my gf until she wan to broke up wif me.. Now i'm trying hard to fix it... But i know there no much chance for me... But at least i try... I wan to say... MOM DAD, I LOVE U SO MUCH... AMANDA.... I REALLY LOVE YOU... I had made a decission... I will accept if u don wan me anymore... I oso will wish you and uor lover happy always.. I just hope he will treat u better.. Love u more.. Care u more... If u got one in the future... Manda... I LOVE U....... The surprise i will give u although in future many thing will happen... I LOVE U....

FINE... oni d word i can say...

19 May 2009.. Nearly one week we had brek up... She went to KL to find her friend Kim.. The most important person in this world i think... Talk about "FINE"... This only the word i can only say.. Few days ago, something terrible, horrible, freaking thing happen in my dream.. She died in my dream.. I don't know why but what i only remember is she had pass away... I cant stop crying in my dream... Is really horrible... In my dream, i just wan to wake up and hope and wish that not happening.. I'm trying so hard.. Finally i woke... But i still cant stop my tears falling on my cheeks.. I really cant sleep that night.. I really scare something really happen on her.. I try to call her but i scare i disturb her from having fun with her friend.. I really scare i keep irritating he until she don't even wan to find me.. At the end i just leave her... That's what can i do as friend.. And no longer as her guardian.. 

Today.. She finally online.. And that's the only way i can talk to her.. I try to show to her what i did this weekend.. I feel so happy when i tell her that i cook" ba kut teh".. I show her one photo at first but then when i show her more... She decline it... She tell me she NOT INTERESTED... How hurt is it... It's really hurt me so deep... All blissfulness had just pass away.. And sadness keep wondering beside me.... WHY??????? I really don't know why? I din say much thing and just say"FINE".... Because that's only the word i can say.. I don't know what can i say and i really wan to continue the conversation.. But somehow... I don't have the heart to chat with her.. The only important thing for her is her friend... No one else can replace it.. Even me.... That's why i really hate to seperate so far... She promise me before that she won't do that do this.. But what she doing now is what she promise me not to do... The thing she promise me will do is not even happening after she go there.... Maybe for her i'm just not important enough and keep block her from having fun.. Now you got it.... You really got what you wan... Congrate... You are no longer being irritated by me... But hope u remember that... I LOVE YOU TO INFINITY......... And i wrote one song just for you before i go to Ipoh this year... But u not even appreciate it..... What can i do.... I just feel so disappointed.... 

Embarrass Day

Today... i woke up at 4 p.m. I just realise that i have a habit.. That's is "long kai" by driving my car.... It's make feel so nice... When i'm back i read my gf blog... Then i saw in the chat box.. Someone is scolding her... FIrst say my gf black... Then say puki la lu... What the fuck man.. How could i let my gf let peopel scold??!!! I should protect her... I damn angry at the particullar moment. I then scold the person... Damn kick the girl scolded by me... Then i saw my gf online.. So i tell her what had just happen... OHHH NOOOOO..... Actually tat's her fren and that their conversation style... I'm so embarrassed... Then i say sori n tell my gf tat i thought is other people.. And my gf reply say don so mean... For me... I'm not reli wan to be mean... Just i wont let my gf let other peopel bully.. I stay so far from her then cant protect her... Now we cant even communicate in phone because of sme fucking prob.... AM I A GOOD BOYFRIEND??? OR JUST A LOSER......

I talk to myself..Should i just get out from her fucking life??? Mayb i reli should... But the problem is i damn love her... I really really love her.... Mayb her love towards me is decreasing... But is doesn't even matter because my love towards her infinity... WHY??!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The answer is i don't know... Please help me.... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What life is it???

I'm writing this message at 5.15 in the morning. What the fuck is happening to me. I think i'm crazy or have psychological prob mayb. This week, the earliest i can is 4++ in the morning. I'm too damn fucking free n so fucking useless. I don't know what can i do and what should i do. What i only know is play snooker, dota, sleep, eat, drink.................... Nothing else...

Yesterday night, i damn miss her. Before she sleep i sent one message to her.. Written " Biee.. Sleep tight.. Muakss... Miz u... Love u... Remember msg(MESSAGE) me when u wake k? " Reply " Ok.. Love u too.. Nite ... Sweet dream" But unfortunely, when i woke up at 3 in the afternoon, i not even receive a gud morning message from her.. What else could i ask for???? Only one simply message is hard for her.. What do u think if i ask her to tell me what she doing or anything..She cant even done it for me... NONE... Today i miss her so much...... She did the same thing.. It still fine because i'm already feel nothing about her action and attitude. I wait and wait. I wait for one afternoon but still not even a miss call.... Do u think she still love u???? How come someone love u can don't care what u doing or anything..... But she reli did it.. She can ignore me for few days then when she realise that something is missing then she will find me back.. Then she will act worry or something like that... Is this call love?? Mayb this is love or mayb my way of loving people is wrong.. I reli need accompany and love.. I really hope that she can always message me.. So that i know that what she doing and she really miss me... We live so far away... I studying in aus and she studying at malaysia.. HAIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ......

Now i really thinking that should i need to break up with her or i must break up with her????!!!!!!!!!!! It's really stress me up because i really don't know how to continue this kind of relationship. It's FUCKING SUCKS................!!!!!!!!!!!!! But i really appreaciate this relationship and i really do love her so much so much..... I ever told her that i will love her to infinity and i really did.. Until today my love toward her is increasing dramatically but my feeling that her love toward me is falling like throwing rock to the air and fall to the ground. When we first meet she really love me and we really happy. But because of FUCKING TAWAU MALAYSIA CALVARY damn stupid bitch dog people who makes us quarrel and our relationship was damn not good... Before we couple, she had one bf and i take her from the guy hand.

I will tell the story on the next message i think.... HMMMM.... Now is 5.37 in the morning and i think the sun going to rise soon.... So good morning to me... Oh ya.... Today i been to casino again... What do u think??? I bring 10 dollar to make a bet... But u cant even imagine what i done in the casino..... Using 10dollar i won 120dollar.... Really funny and great ya???? 10 to 120??!!!!
What a luck... I will try it everyday mayb... Using 10dollar to play... Mayb that's only way i can spend my time happily and no stress no sadness...... DAMN FUN!!!!!!!! U all should try.... That's what my feeling and my journey finding light from darkness.. Wish me luck....